Private self-reflection

Am I being abusive?

A non-diagnostic space to examine choices, patterns, impact, and responsibility without shame or excuses.

This is not a score. Checking an item does not label a person, and leaving items unchecked does not prove that behavior is safe. Look for patterns, fear, entitlement, control, and impact.

A shared baseline

Everyone has the same basic rights.

To say no, set boundaries, and change their mind.
To have privacy, relationships, money, movement, beliefs, and bodily autonomy.
To disagree without being frightened, punished, monitored, degraded, or controlled.
To be treated with dignity—even during conflict or separation.

Context matters: Self-defense, attempts to escape, and survival responses are not the same as an ongoing pattern of coercive control. “We both did things” can also be used to shift responsibility. A qualified advocate can help someone examine context without minimizing any harm.

Questions to sit with

Power & control

Do I try to control who someone sees, where they go, what they wear, or how they spend money?Do I monitor devices, messages, location, accounts, or private conversations without freely given consent?

Boundaries

Do I keep pushing after someone says no, asks for space, or changes their mind?Do I use guilt, threats, affection, money, children, pets, or self-harm threats to get my way?

Fear & intimidation

Have I yelled, insulted, humiliated, blocked an exit, broken things, driven dangerously, threatened, or used physical force?

Accountability

Do my apologies include blame, excuses, demands for forgiveness, or pressure to move on quickly?Do I focus more on my intentions or provocation than on the impact and the other person’s safety?

One accountable next step

What will I do differently before the next conflict?

This draft is intentionally not saved.

Change means more than an apology:Stop the harmful behavior.Make safety and boundaries non-negotiable.Accept consequences without retaliation.Seek an intimate-partner-abuse intervention or behavior-change program.Keep doing the work whether or not the relationship continues.

A Call for Change Helpline ↗The Hotline reflection guide ↗

If someone may be in immediate danger, create distance, do not block their exit or access to help, and contact appropriate emergency assistance. Opening a link leaves Cove and may create browser history.